Diary: Solitary Animal
I was watching that thing about Cats, you know by Nature, on PBS. Have you guys seen this? I love this shit on cats. Most cats are solitary animals (like me) from the tabby to the mountain lion. But I always like learning about leopards. Talk about solitary. Here's the gist on being a leopard, you're basically walking around looking hella good because you're so lean and predatory and you hunt for food. Apparently however, being solitary has its drawbacks (I can attest to this.)
A leopard is a ferocious amazing hunter. And they can get a gazelle after a fair amount of work (work, working out, running, they're like the Chris Hemsworths of the animal kingdom). After they kill the gazelle they can just eat it, right? Wrong! So this is where the solitary drawback comes in. Apparently, if a group of boars come along, the leopard has to back off its meat. Because any group, sort of no matter what (even a bunch of lemmings, I imagine), can over power a solitary animal. And if a bunch of those jerks, aka Hyenas come along forget it. This sucks. Its like you went to all this work to get a meal, and then a bunch of dildos come along (dildos are an animal as well as a subspecies of undateable men) and thats it. They fricken take your dinner. So aggravating. Then you add in the mix being a female leopard? Fuhgetabout it! Here's how leopards meet up. You go find a tree. Scratch it, leave some feramones, and go for a walk. Then the male leopard comes by, randomly, does it's own scratch and sniff, basically scheduling a date. The female and male meet up (it's a lot like Tinder actually now that I think about it) and well you know. So then the female leopard has two adorable baby leopards. Now, she's gotta find food for her and them, try to not get it stolen by those asshole hyenas/make sure those same hyenas don't grab her babies.
So I was telling all this to my Mom, and she's like, well what do you think would make the leopard's life easier? And I was like, Whole Foods.
These solitary hunters have had to develop ways to keep their food away from those pesky mouchers. Leopards have learned to drag their hella heavy dinner up trees. Then there's this other big cat, a Siberian tiger (I think it was, not really sure, but it was big) who had to store her huge rib rack in the water and then go back and get it later. I mean what this woman needs is a refrigerator. I'm going to create a kickstarter campaign to get refrigerators for Tigers. I mean what the fuck.
The other thing I was thinking about is that part of the reason these animals look so good is because they have to work for their dinner. You can't be a schlub and expect to survive in the desert. You just can't. So I think Facebook and Google should start making their techie schlububs work for lunch. Like run after their burritos. Catch those hot dogs! Conversely the jerks who work out too much should be made to run into an art museum. If this happened, there might be some dateable men in San Francisco. Oh wait. That's a mirage.